I think I’m ready to actually put this in writing…

In an effort to try and put this ALL behind me since it’s been a year, I am finally going to write down my experience from last year. It is all going to be VERY long winded, but I am trying to get it all out so I can FINALLY get past it. I don’t think I have the energy and stamina to write it all in one day, so it will happen over the next few days.

August 20th, 2011

Well, this actually starts on the 19th. I woke up with extreme pain in my left breast. I was pretty certain that it was mastitis. Fortunately I had my 2-week check up that day so I just waited until my appointment to talk to my Dr. As the day went on the pain got better, especially as I continued to feed Bailey and pump myself dry. Again, those things lead me to believe that it was mastitis. Let me just say, I had never had mastitis before so I wasn’t completely sure of what to look for. But my left breast was swollen, hard, extremely tender, and only felt better when empty…. so to me, it was mastitis. Otherwise I was feeling really well for having had a c-section just 2 weeks earlier. By the time I got to my appointment my breast didn’t hurt anymore, but I still mentioned it to my Dr. He checked and said that there was no sign of mastitis and I was probably just engorged. Sounded reasonable enough to me.

That evening my Mom was flying back home to Sacramento. The plan was for David and I to take her to the airport with the kids. My Dr. had given me clearance to drive so David suggested that I take my Mom by myself so she and I can visit, and so I can have some me time on the way home. I was nervous at first because I hadn’t left Bailey, but I was fine with it. My Mom and I had an enjoyable ride up there, and I enjoyed singing to my music really loud and enjoying my “me” time on the way home. I enjoyed it all the way until I got off of I-205 and onto I-5. I was getting tired and had a big yawn, which was followed by an extreme shooting pain in my left chest. My first thought was “dang, it is mastitis and I’ll have to call my Dr.” I thought that with a few slow and even deep breaths that it would go away like it had before. Only this time, it didn’t. It kept getting worse and worse. I tried putting pressure on it and that didn’t help. The pain at this point was about a 4 out of 10. When I got home I felt fine enough to read Tucker a story and feed Bailey. David was exhausted and crashed pretty quick, but not before telling me that he would get up with Tucker and I should just sleep until Bailey needed me. The pain was getting worse but I didn’t say anything at that point. Before I laid down for bed I took 2 Vicodin and an Ibuprofin (that is what I was prescribed to take for my c-section pain so I was certain it would work.) My c-section scar was hurting on the right side so I had been laying on my left side at night. This night I laid down on my left side like usual, and it about shot me through the roof because it hurt so bad. So I tried laying on my back and that hurt just as bad. So, in order to get ANY sleep at all I laid on my right side, it hurt so bad but not near how bad it hurt to lay on the other side. When laying down the pain was at at least a 7.

Bailey woke up at her usual 3:00 to eat. When I got up my pain wasn’t as bad. Probably a 3 out of town. But I was able to get up with Bailey and take care of her. However, by the time she had gone back to sleep 45-minutes later, my pain was at least an 8. So I took my regular pain cocktail and tried to lay down again. It was just like when I tried to lay down earlier, only this time the pain didn’t subside at all. I dozed in and out from about 4:00 until 6:00. By this point I had decided that it was a really bad pulled muscle. So I decided to try a hot shower. Let me explain how hot this shower was… I couldn’t turn the handle any hotter. It was scorching hot and I had the water running down the left side of my body where the pain was, and I couldn’t feel how hot the water was. Yeah, at this point the pain was a 10… FULL 10! I was in the shower for about 15-minutes, and the only reason I got out was because the water was so hot and I almost passed out. I walked out of the bathroom and David woke up really confused and groggy. He asked me what I was doing and all I said was, “I need to go see a Dr.” Without hesitation David said, “OK, what’s wrong?” I proceeded to tell him about the pain, and he said I should call the on call OB first to see what I should do.

After talking with the on call OB (Dr. Harder) he told me that I should go to Urgent Care to rule out pneumonia. So, we got ready to head out. Before we left I pumped myself dry hoping it would help. Oddly enough, after lying on the bed making phone calls with a hot pad on my back, my back was feeling a little better. Yet ANOTHER sign that it was a pulled muscle. I was putting my milk in the freezer and David asked me why I saved all of my milk. I explained to him that it was liquid gold, and if I was gone somewhere and he had Bailey, he would be able to feed her.

We dropped Tucker at our friends, The Coombs, house, which he didn’t mind because he loves their daughter Shelby. David and I headed down to Urgent Care. We got there at 10:05, I remember looking because I knew they opened at 10:00. After an EKG and meeting with the Urgent Care Dr. she wasn’t sure what it was so she said she wanted me to go to the ER to rule out a blood clot, and they didn’t have the machine there to do the scan (CAT scan).

While I was at Urgent Care my pain level was staying at a pretty manageable and solid 3-4. I vividly remember saying to David when we got into the car that if the pain hadn’t have been so bad, the I would just say lets go home. But we have come this far, so we should go and see what they say. Then I told him that this is going to be the most expensive muscle relaxer that I have ever had.

We got to The Salem Hospital ER and I didn’t even see the waiting room. The Urgent Care Dr. called ahead and told them that I was coming. I’m sure it didn’t hurt that I was 2 weeks out from major abdominal surgery (c-section) and I had a 2-week old baby with me. The pain was about a 2 at this point. I was getting so confused by it all. But I knew that I needed to be there to make sure that “everything was OK”. They immediately took me back to a room and got me all set up with an IV (the usual treatment for the ER). The Dr explained that they will do blood work that will check if I possibly have clots, but he also explained that since I was so fresh off of a surgery, chances are that the blood work would say yes so they wanted to do a CAT scan as well. The issue with the CAT scan was that I wouldn’t be able to nurse Bailey for 48-hours. So I wanted to feed her before they did it. David needed to go get stuff from the car so I could, but before he did that I asked him to help me sit the bed up. OH. MY. GOODNESS! I about went through the roof. I don’t know what exactly happened, but WOW it did something that made the pain STRONG! David went to the car to get the stuff because I was certain the pain would get better. By the time he got back the nurse was in the room and I was crying. She asked what made it happen and I just told her that I tried to sit up. She said that she could give me a pain med that was a narcotic, but I shouldn’t nurse when I have it. Before I could really even respond David said, “Give her the medicine. I can give Bailey a bottle.” She gave me a shot of Morphine and boy… it did NOTHING! She cam back in a few minutes later and asked if the pain was better, when I told her No, she gave me more morphine. Still, it did nothing. But, before she could come back in the Tech came to get me for my CAT scan. I remember asking if I had to lay down for it, or if there was any other way to do it. Unfortuately I had to lay down for it. All of the nurses and techs in there were amazing. While they were wheeling me to the CAT Scan room, they gave me one of the warmed blankets because I was shivering from the pain. I LOVE those blankets. When we got into the room, they offered to help me onto the bed and I told them that I don’t know what triggers the pain and I didn’t want one of them to do it and I hit them. They laughed, and I was only half joking. Being on that bed hurt SO bad! Then I had to put my arms above my head and take deep breaths. By the time I was done I literally thought I was dying (little did I know). They gave me 2 more heated blankets and I can just remember sobbing and writhing in pain as I was wheeled back through the ER to my room. I remember seeing David as I turned the corner and I will never forget the look on his face. He was so concerned, especially because I was in so much pain. I was facing away from him by the time they wheeled me into the room, and when he came to my side of the bed I remember just grabbing his shirt, and his hand. I grabbed anything that I thought could give me any amount of comfort. The nurse came in and asked me how my pain was and I told her it was a 10. So she said she could give me stronger medicine but had to get orders from the Dr. Fortunately the Dr. was right outside the door and he gave the OK. The timing couldn’t have been any better. Literally, as she was putting the pain medicine (Dilauded) into my IV, the Dr. came in and said, “She has a large clot in her left lung that is life threatening at this point.” Let me tell you, that pain medicine was AMAZING! It took the pain away completely and put me in Disneyland mentally. I knew what was happening, but I could feel nothing but bliss. It was really good stuff. I remember right as the Dr. said that a few other nurses rushed into the room and hooked me up to more IV’s and all sorts of stuff was happening. My friend Carrie and her husband Brad were there at that point to come and give me a blessing. I remember Carrie coming to my side of the bed and I looked at her and laughed and said, “I have clots.” I was so oblivious to what exactly was happening at that point.

When I was finally admitted (on paper officially) they wheeled me up to my room in the Intermediate Care Unit (IMCU). Come to find out, that is only 1 level of care below the ICU. Yeah, it was bad. I had so many drugs in my system by that point that I don’t remember too much of what happened. I remember Brad and David giving me a blessing. Then Carrie and Brad were so awesome and got a list from us of things we would need from home. I don’t think they will ever know what a blessing they were to us during this time. I remember, at one point David left with Bailey to go home and get some things of his own. While he was gone Bishop and Sister Bateman came. I’m not sure how long they were there, but I do remember telling the Bishop I was so sorry I didn’t get a chance to get the programs from the printer for church the next day. He looked at me and said that they were the least of his worries. Such a great Bishop. When David came back he told me that when he got home Carrie and Renae were cleaning my house because I had mentioned to Carrie how embarrassed I was that it was dirty and so many people would be coming and going. Seriously, some of the best friends ever.

We finally settled in for the night and the nurses were so amazing and willing to accommodate whatever we needed for Bailey. We met our night nurse, and she was the sweetest woman ever. She was probably in her late 50’s and had the sweetest way about her. At one point I remember I was crying because everything that was happening was kicking in for me, and I was feeling so overwhelmed. My sweet nurse was right there and she just held my hand and rubbed my arm. It was so comforting. Then later that night while David was sleeping in the chair next to my bed, she noticed that his blanket had fallen a bit (my room was freezing for everyone but me, so anyone that was there needed a blanket), so she tucked him in and got him another pillow. She just had the sweetest way about her.

Late into the night, David and I were both awake at one point, again pondering on the reality that was now our lives. We talked for a few minutes and decided that we were never going to refer to this as me almost dying. From then on, we have always referred to it as “the clots”.

WOW, just writing that makes it so weird for me. I can’t believe that I actually went through all of this and I am on the other side. As I read through this I feel like I am reading a non-fiction book. So crazy! I think I will try to blog this a day at a time. Check back tomorrow…